Personal Awakening Expereinces

Awakening Compassion – Meditation Methods – Shining Light

—An Interview with Doreen Connors, Part Five—
>>> Part One: Transcendental Meditation – TM – Mantras – Mystical Experiences

Meditation How: The reason I ask about this is because I have noticed for myself that though I have no way to measure my own awareness or my influence, I often find myself presented with an interesting choice in social situations (due to a natural attraction to light) to either keep the light well hidden out of “the idea of” patience and compassion (instead of letting the fireworks ensue—which due to my inherent nature can seem… again it is hard to measure… pretty transforming). I believe I err on the side of subduing now which was not always the case—part of which stemmed from both fascination with a new toy and ego. Is this something you deal with?

Doreen: Immediately what came up for me is that due to physical limitation, I rarely go anywhere! LOL! I literally lost most of my old friends, though… gained many, recently around the world via ETTV. I feel like I went through exactly what You are talking about. Kinda… out of respect for all the “egos”… and now, I don’t feel like I mute myself (although the patience and compassion… is more fully integrated…whatever that means… I am much more relaxed, at shining light in the house, here…

As this transition felt clear to me… I felt for a time, that my husband was more deeply affected by my presence… (maybe 2 months, now… and then, relatively recently his pain body came up… and it kinda surprised me! Well, now, I know…a complete “miracle” had not actually, occurred… lol! I more quickly, re-light… I truly know that if the least bit of “effort” (what the hell is that, anyway?) or feelings of struggle enter in… I take my foot off the brake!! It just feels, strange, to be… physically, here…not meeting other folks in the flesh! Rarely…besides my kids, their friends, and my husband.

Meditation How: Is it fair for me to ask about your physical limitation? I don’t believe you have spoken of it. After that I have one more question and then I feel like this is a good natural spot to conclude. My last question is about whether there has been any presence with you through all of this that has not been mentioned like a pet, a stone, an herb, a being of some sort that has helped issue you through this transforming process to date.

Doreen: Knee arthritis since 2007 that has progressed though I don’t “mind… I currently do not go to doctors because I can’t pay for it. Things that make sense to do, do not occur… It is a rather peculiar situation.

At the end of 2004, after having an intense lucid dream, I went to see a woman who did energy work/channeling… a truly wonderful being… I worked with her for a couple years (met her through the friend that told about her meditation method.)

This energy worker helped me to understand, on a very “high” level what was happening… the beauty… of our work together… is deep, indeed. I have tapes from our channeled sessions…that I have not listened to for quite some time. And then I had my friend in Sweden… it was through our connection that most of my awakening unfolded. I garnered enormous insights through our conversation… this is really important… the synchronicity that happened between us… it is complex and important.

So I lost touch with [my energy worker] for the past two years… don’t know what she is doing… she was about, maybe 10 years “ahead of me?” Though…not sure about that. The nature in my backyard became crucial… especially the birds and our bunny rabbit, Big Dawg… and the insects, especially the dragonflies… and my kids, Maia now 18 and Owen nearly 14. They “know”… they are my teachers, too.

Well, I could also include, Bashar…he is a “channeled being” (have You heard of him… years ago I had fun with some friends listening to him (Darryl Anka)…in the mid-eighties)…I dropped this for several years… though, knew that this energy was always available…somehow….but “he” I was not that conscious of during this time…although, saw him in 2006. I’m probably missing something, perhaps??

Meditation How: Thank you for both allowing me to interview you on this, being so open during the process, and shining light.

About Doreen: Doreen is an extraordinarily Ordinary woman who profoundly experienced her True Nature in 1981. Retrospectively, she became aware of what had occurred beginning in 2005, when another catalytic awakening experience catapulted her In to the Awareness of Life, Itself. She says of this: Waking up to the Truth of Love…Who We Are! Re-connecting to the cellular body memory of knowing who “I AM”…the Beauty of every being We encounter comes through Grace as the Way It Is.

Doreen’s Blogs:
Vessels of Love
Effortless Endeavor
Creation of the Creativity
Here and Now

Read Doreen’s Interview on Transcendental Meditation.

Your Inner Light – Spiritual Growth, Meditation, Healing

—An Interview with Doreen Connors, Part Four—
>>> Part One: Transcendental Meditation – TM – Mantras – Mystical Experiences

Doreen: Okay, I realized that the word “upheaval” isn’t describing my feelings. It refers to my external life situation because my awakening created chaos for my family and friends. Feelings I had: at times I felt myself moving in slow motion, I could not perform my normal activities in a “normal” hurried manner; my sense perceptions became heightened, euphoric, I saw that everything was beautiful.

I noticed things, saw things that appeared like miracles. I felt intensely alive throughout my body. I had frequent shivers up and down my body. Synchronicities occurred frequently. I felt a “pulling” magnetic force… [when I talked to my friend on the phone, I had extreme difficulty to get off the phone… to end the call.] I don’t have words for some of the sensations.

Many others mistook this for “falling in love”… it was unlike anything I had ever known. It was not sexual, per se…though it felt at the time, somehow, in the realm of sexuality, only intensely about Love. It was so very hard to explain to other people who thought I was mentally ill…or just “in love.” It brings me to tears, now, to write this. It is still deep within me, this not being understood.

Even though, I certainly, at this point, understand deeply that it is not possible for others to understand… it still hurts in a place that no one, I know, has been able to go with me. I had feelings like as if energy was infused in every cell. During this time I became very ill, also, and I was not aware of how ill I had become. Maybe I can re-write this… I am strangely overwhelmed with emotion in writing about it.

Meditation How: No need to re-write— absolutely clear and beautiful. I understand. These were all awakening consequences— repercussions to spiritual growth. I know that kundalini is just a word, but it does refer to the heat that rises from the root chakra and feels very sensual and energizing. Was there an upward flowing current that cleared various areas physically that corresponded to external events? Also, how long would you say this lasted if you had to delineate a beginning and end? You speak in the past tense also in regard to some of these feelings. I assume they have simply become more deeply integrated.

I have a better question if you would just like to skip the last one…. I don’t know if you are familiar with the term “survival guilt” but I wanted to ask you to look at in the complicated array of feelings that occur in relationships as part of these awakening consequences. I think of the story of Buddha going to his father and telling him plainly that he is no longer his father’s son. Is there any part of you who keeps your heightened awareness in check and on a lower profile because of the conscious or unconscious guilt or sense of betrayal that may have occurred and still perhaps linger in some of these relationships?

Is there any residual shame or guilt present for having consciously or unconsciously embraced this part of your nature? Not to suggest that shining your inner light should or could become a performance, but to compensate by not shining? Is there any of this going on or do you find yourself utterly clear of these issues?

Doreen: “Was there an upward flowing current that cleared various areas physically that corresponded to external events?” Not sure?

Very intense for close to a year+. First 6 months…the most intense. Then, a 2-year period of alcohol use, (I guess I tried to “mute” the experience, in a sense… and dark night of the soul.) “Trying to handle” and at the same time giving my self permission to drink, because I had not had a drink for 19 years. I definitely felt the need to let go of constraints, restrictions, limitations…etc… societal, personal, etc…. the whole thing!!! I am not sorry, in the least, that I drank again.

Gradually, I clearly saw that I could not handle it, nor did I prefer the feeling… and dropped the drinking totally.. clearly. So, from July 2005-Dec. 2005…Jan 2006-Jan 2008…still intense+ dark night…family. Today, husband still dismayed; kids essentially have been on board the whole time… their own awakening experiences… we can go back further to see things getting started in 2000.

2008-present… integration…more and more. Last fall, I felt the beginning of being anchored in the Now. As if, I had been on the fence; or the one foot in the old world…one foot in the New Earth feeling… and now, I am off the fence, on the other side… at least. [getting off the fence, started this past fall, I’d say]

I can honestly say that I no longer hold these feelings of guilt. Most definitely. And I completely understand that those around me, are not able to understand (except my kids). This is definitely integrated. At times, collective conditioning crops up, that is then experienced and dissolved…. but even this, feels to occur less and less… ?

Yes, this is what occurred with the drinking, dark night episode.. I knew, deep down in my heart that I had no guilt…and could not understand in my mind…or REALIZE… that for other folks around me, it is impossible for them to understand.

I do have this feeling, though, that the time has come for something from “me” or through me to move outward. And, a thought about this says that, then “healing” can begin for my husband. It feels in my heart “reasonable”… maybe it is a block… I don’t know. I see the very hurt child in him… and I don’t know what to do, except Be the one I am. I could care less it he likes me or not!! lol!

>>> Part Five: Shining Light – Transforming – Patience and Compassion – Awakening

Waiting for an Answer – A Non-Doing Meditation Practice

—An Interview with Doreen Connors, Part Three—
>>> Part One: Transcendental Meditation – TM – Mantras – Mystical Experiences

Meditation How: So what I think I am hearing from you is that although it is difficult to convey you would like to try and share it… am I getting this right? If you need help in finding a starting point, then I suggest you start with the nature of your resistance.

Doreen: I have decided to forward You some writing I did last fall. Let me preface this by saying that many changes have occurred since I first wrote this. I feel it necessary, now, to edit the piece to reflect these “changes.”

Meditation How: I want to give voice to the part in me that is trying to hold the interview together in some manageable form, structured in an accessible way, and at the same time I want you to feel free to give sufficient clarity to this.

I AM getting the clarity that revisiting this by writing NOW what you feel serves us both better than to forward previous writings. Here is an attachment of Doreen’s Previous Writings on her Awakening Experience.

You mentioned a resistance and I find it interesting that rather than simply write extemporaneously, you would offer past writing instead. I hope you understand what I am getting at. In this moment you can distill and clarify all of these things for me (and yourself). Can we do that instead? If we go back to a response of a few sentences ago this will liley bring in both a bit of containment and focus.

Assuming you are okay with this I would like for you to answer the question I posed about non-doing and external forces a while back. I can repeat it if necessary.

I asked two “questions”, one about the upheaval (which I want to get to) and here is the other one: “I am wondering about external circumstantial pressures whether societal or through relationship and how “non-doing” or “being” was reached in such a non-deliberate manner.”

Doreen: In waiting for an answer to come for this question…this image comes up: I’m looking in the mirrors and seeing the image, one after the other, into infinity. I feel it is a good question that I cannot answer. The only “deliberate” practice that provided a focus was the listening to Eckhart Tolle. I have come to understand that nothing we do in our lives is deliberate, intentional, with choice, etc. So, in a way, I can’t say that I ever did anything deliberately.

Waiting for an Answer - A Non-Doing Meditation Practice

The listening to Eckhart Tolle, in essence, was my meditation practice, though not the catalyst for awakening. I followed what felt good, during this time period. If stressful situations arose in my life situation, I could retreat to listening to his voice. I became aware that the “knowing” was already in my heart, in a sense, getting firmly planted in my heart.

There is most definitely paradox in talking about it. I cannot define this “process” in a way that the mind can grasp. Some words are better than others. The mystery of “why” this happened to me… is still there. One thing led to another, from the time I was born—same for everyone.

Meditation How: I found this very clear— great response and accessible as is. Thank you. I would like to ask you now to tell me why you used the word “upheaval” and tell me what it felt like emotionally and on a feeling level. You needn’t go into the external circumstances. I want to hear about emotions and sensations in your body.

>>> Part Four: Spiritual Growth – Inner Light – Awakening Consequences – Healing